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Bits and Pieces
compiled by Azaad Iqbal
 01. "The toughest problem some children face
is learning good attitudes and habits without ever seeing any," says a well
known psychologist. Why should employees at work be any different? Some
managers and supervisors are great at giving their people advice. They
stress all the right attitudes and work habits, which is good. But sometimes
the words go in one ear and out the other. Why?
Often it's because the managers don't follow their own advice, and everyone
is wise to the fact. They say one thing and do another. You see it
occasionally in managers who lecture their people on proper work procedures,
yet tend to be deficient themselves in the same area - chronically late,
slow to act or make decisions, resentful of criticism, reluctant to
co-operate, or always thinking of themselves before the job. However sound
their advice it won't have much effect unless they follow it too.
People who don't practice what they preach eventually get a reputation of
being phoneys. That makes their job even harder. We've all heard the
expression, "Do as I say, not as I do." Sooner or later people are bound to
see through a manager who operates this way. If you have difficulty getting
your people to measure up to the standards you set for them, it may be their
fault entirely. But take a second look at yourself. Do you measure up to the
same standards? Are you practising them in your work, or sometimes just
preaching for the benefit of others?
Action speaks louder than words. If you want to motivate people, it's vital
to demonstrate what you tell them by what you do. And it's doubly vital that
you never ask your people to do one thing, then turn around and do
differently yourself. Give your people someone to pattern themselves after.
They'll be persuaded more by example than by advice.
 02. Merv Young, a national sales manager for Parfums Jacqueline Cochran
Canada, Inc., has a brief sales tip he passes on to all his sales
representatives: "Talk slow, write fast." What does it mean? It's a
reminder, Merv says, to write up the order quickly but not to be in too much
of a hurry to leave. No customer likes to feel that a sales rep has no time
for him.
It's not always easy for salespeople to follow that advice when they're
under time pressure, Merv says, but nothing is more essential than making
every customer feel important.
03. Next time you're feeling the stress of a difficult situation, ask how
your favourite cartoon character would handle it. This might cause you to
pause and smile.
04. There is less to fear from outside competition than from inside
inefficiency, discourtesy and bad service.
05. Let the word go forth that even the church is not immune from the havoc
that an occasional howler can wreak. Throughout history numerous humorous
fluffs and flubs have sneaked into various translations of the Bible.
 A handsome edition of the Good Book published by Barker & Lucas in 1632
unfortunately omitted the little word "not" from the Seventh Commandment,
making it read: "Thou shalt commit adultery." The careless printers of this
edition, which became famous as the Adulterous Bible, were fined 300 pounds,
effectively putting them out of business. In 1716, thousands of copies of
another Bible were printed before it was discovered that the command to
John, "sin no more," had been printed as "sin on more,' a letter reversal
with considerable appeal to chronic transgressors. A year later in an Oxford
edition of the Bible, a chapter heading for Luke appeared as "The Parable of
the Vinegar." A mix-up in gender in a 1923 version produced the stern
admonition: "A man may not marry his grandmother's wife," which the "New
Yorker" called the "Neatest Trick of the Week."
The tradition of holy howlers popping up in religiously related documents
continues unabated. Witness the following sampling of bonafide bloopers
culled from various church bulletins and orders of service:
- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind which can be
seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.
- On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of a
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come
forward to get a piece of paper.
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct.24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in school days.
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the
church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
- The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay
an egg on the altar.
 - The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
- Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the
study.
- Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Clark will sing
"Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
- Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk, please come early.
- Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 p.m. to 8
p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church
basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
- The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks
are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the
piano, which as usual fell upon her.
- Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
- A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
- Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
06. Problems are nothing but wake-up calls for creativity.
07. This life is not always garden of roses. We all have bitter
disappointments, especially when we expect too much, too easily. Bitter
disappointments happen to everybody sooner or later, one way or the other.
The big difference lies in how we accept them. It is still possible to be
happy about some things and to reflect a cheerful attitude, regardless of
personal difficulties.
 How do we know? Because we've seen so many wonderful courageous people do
it. One of the most pleasant, delightful person we know has suffered a
twenty-year bout with cancer. Instead of telling the world about her
troubles she gives everyone a delightful smile and takes a keen and
sympathetic interest in their problems. Her own problems she never mentions.
One of the most pleasant men we've ever known has worn a heavy brace on one
leg since the age of nine. At times it must be a painful, heavy burden but
you'd never guess it. He grins, passes it off and concentrates on more
cheerful things.
How do people have the courage (and good sense) to do this? I don't know,
but the fact is they do. Their courage makes them feel better about life and
makes their company a blessing to everyone they meet. It's so important to
have the courage to be cheerful, to find things to be happy about and
grateful for, regardless of bad news which fate occasionally serves up.
Cheerfulness is your gift to the world. If some of the people who carry the
heaviest of problems can still manage to be cheerful about it, what excuse
is there for the rest of us to be down in the dumps?
Are you a boss? Do you have people working for you? If so, the nicest thing
you can do for them is to be cheerful and pleasant about your relationship.
It's also an approach that will win you the best possible results. A long
face will never be as effective in dealing with people as a cheerful smile.
08. There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it
with reluctance.
09. Here are some "Poisonous Quotes." This month's subject is the wonderful
world of food:
* You are not what you eat; but where you eat is who you are - Paul Theroux.
* Eating food with a knife and fork is like making love through an
interpreter - Indian Proverb.
* English Food: You just put the things in hot water and take them out again
after a while - French Chef.
* Chinese Food: You do not stew with a fork and I see no reason why you
should eat with knitting needles - Henry Beard.
* If you are going to America, bring food - Fran Lebowitz.
* An Englishman teaching an American about food is like the blind leading
the one-eyed - A.L.Liebling.
* The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're
hungry again - Somerset Maugham.
* German cooking, above all! How much it has upon its conscience! Soup
before the meal, meats cooked to death, fat and mealy vegetables - Henry
Miller.
* If the English can survive their food, they can survive anything - George
Bernard Shaw.
* Even today, well-brought up English girls are taught by their mothers to
boil all vegetables for at least a month and a half just in case one of the
dinner guests turns up without his teeth - Calvin Trillin.
 * Murder is commoner among cooks than among members of any other profession
- W.H. Auden.
* Old Italian chefs never die - they're just put out to pasta - Shelby
Freidman.
* A sandwich is an unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meet - Anon.
* Bagel: an unsweetened doughnut with rigor mortis - Beatrice & Ira Freeman.
* Continental breakfasts are very sparse, usually just a pot of tea or
coffee and a teensy roll that looks like a suitcase handle. My advice is to
go right to lunch without pausing - Henry Beard.
* If the soup had been as hot as the claret, if the claret had been as old
as the bird, and if the bird's breast had been as full as the waitress's, it
would have been a very good dinner - Robert Morley.
* A dinner invitation, once accepted, is a sacred obligation. If you die
before the dinner takes place your executor must attend - Ward McAllister.
* My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish
fluid they force down helpless babies - W.C. Fields.
* As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists - Joan Gussow.
* A dieter is one who wishes that others wouldn't laugh at his expanse - Al
Bernstein.
* I feel about planes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they
are wonderful things for others to go on - Jean Kerr.
* I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating and in fourteen days
I lost two weeks - Joe E. Lewis.
* Alcohol is a liquid that can put the wreck into recreation - Anon.
* When the wine is in, the wit is out - Proverb.
 * The Norwegians live to eat and the Danes eat to live, while the Swedes eat
to drink - Scandinavian Saying.
* Beer is not a good cocktail party drink, especially in a home where you
don't know where the bathroom is - Billy Carter.
* Apart from cheese and tulips, the main product of Holland is advocaat , a
drink made from lawyers - Alan Coren.
* Ladies Afternoon Tea: Giggle, gabble, gobble, git - Oliver Wendell Holmes.
* There is no such thing as a pretty omelette - French Proverb.
* I'm frightened of eggs, worse than frightened, they revolt me. That white
round thing without any holes. Have you seen anything more revolting than an
egg yolk breaking and spilling its yellow liquid? Blood is jolly, red. But
egg yolk is yellow, revolting. I've never tasted it - Alfred Hitchcock.
* Fast Food: It would be healthier if parents told their children: "Go out
and play in traffic" - Dr. Tazewell Banks.
* We were taken to a fast food cafe where our order was fed into a computer.
Our hamburger, made from the flesh of chemically impregnated cattle, had
been broiled over counterfeit charcoal, placed between slices of
artificially flavoured cardboard and served to us by recycled juvenile
delinquents - Jean Michel Chapereau.
* The Rise of fast food restaurants
Though convenient in many respects
Is sure to increase the sightings of
Unidentified Frying Objects! - Edward Dempsey.
 * Three million frogs' legs are served in Paris daily. Nobody knows what
became of the rest of the frogs - Fred Allen.
* Nouvelle Cuisine: It's so beautifully arranged on the plate - you know
some fingers have been all over it - Julia Child.
* Obesity is a fat accompli - Shelby Freidman.
* Desserts remain for a moment or two in your mouth and for the rest of your
life on your hips - Peg Bracken
* Clams: I simply cannot imagine why anyone would eat something slimy served
in an ashtray - Henry Beard. |
