ou need to know what resilience is so that you can remember that you have it. Resilience is an emotional muscle that can grow with use and practice -- or atrophy if ignored.

Everyone can grow this emotional muscle. Everyone needs to.
You are born with some resilience. You have the choice how to apply it throughout your life. To grow resilience you need fuel, you need challenge and you need lots of practice.

Some people believe that resilience is a trait that is inborn; you either have it or you don't. But that is not quite accurate. You are born with some component characteristics that aid and abet the development of resilience. For example, there is a contribution that temperament makes to the acquisition of resilience; some people are simply born with less reactivity to stress. It makes them more hardy in the face of adversity and better able to draw on their cognitive abilities in situations that throw others off balance.

Some people are also born with more optimism or are more extraverted. Still others have more courage, are more prone to take risks. All of these qualities, generally thought to be inborn components of personality, influence the ease with which you develop resilience. But determination and practice can help anyone foster resilience. It is, in fact, more a learning process than an inherited gift. What, then, do you do to grow resilience?

* When life hands you a setback, readjust your own identity. Stop thinking of yourself as a victim and start thinking of yourself as a problem-solver.

Flip the switch in your brain. Don't focus on yourself or your shortcomings, focus on your goal and what you need to do to get there. Ask yourself, How do I solve the problem?

* Always challenge yourself to go just beyond your comfort zone. Risk builds resilience, and it's OK to take reasonable risks.

The simplest way to go beyond your comfort zone is to learn a new skill. Take up skiing, or snowboarding.

There is no end to the number of areas in which you can go beyond your comfort zone. If you argue a lot with your spouse, don't give up. Try for an understanding one more time. If you are having trouble with a child, remember how much you love him or her.

The aim is to convert everyday stresses into opportunities for growth. You use them as springboards for developing coping strategies that ensure the survival of self.

* Choose a hero, so that in the face of adversity you can maintain a positive identification. I know men who when facing difficulty summon up images of themselves as Russell Crowe in Gladiator. Women can summon up the story of Joan of Arc. Or think of a grandparent who survived the Holocaust.

* Think of stories of resilience and stars of resilience. Search for models of resilience and study what they did.

You don't have to go far to find them. The media offer plenty of possibilities: Christopher Reeve, Lance Armstrong, even Hillary Clinton. When, as a new senator, she was told that people don't like her, she smiled and said, "That's because they don't know me."

* Actively gather information about resilience. Ask people you know how they have handled setbacks.

* Push yourself physically. Regular exercise helps you maintain a positive attitude and breeds feelings of strength. It is in fact a model of strength and what resilience feels like. It's easy to understand resilience when you experience it organically.

When you run a mile, run a mile and a half. When you lift 10-pound weights, go for 15 pounds. Hold your yoga pose a few seconds longer.

* Teach yourself patience. Resilience requires being more strategic and less impulsive. Give yourself more time before reacting to inflammatory situations.

If someone is rude to you, don't immediately respond in kind or display contempt. Take three deep breaths before you choose to act. You need to build more space between impulse and action. By definition, when you are less reactive, you become more resilient.