elf acceptance is being loving and happy with who you are NOW. Some call it self-esteem, others self-love, but whatever you call it, you'll know when your accepting yourself cause it feels great. Its an agreement with yourself to appreciate, validate, accept and support who you are at this very moment, even those parts you’d like to eventually change. This is important...even those parts you'd eventually like to change. Yes, you can accept (be okay with) those parts of yourself you want to change some day.

The Motivation Behind Your Lack of Acceptance

If acceptance feels so good and is so good for us, then why don’t we accept ourselves? The answer is motivation. We use our lack of acceptance (punishment - cause it feels bad) as motivation to get us to do, not do, be, and not be what we think we should. Many people believe that if they accepted themselves as they are, they wouldn’t change or that they wouldn’t work on becoming more of who they want to be.

Typically, we judge ourselves unfavorably with the hope it will motivate us to change. We hope if we feel bad enough about ourselves, that maybe that will motivate us to change. Does this work? Sometimes, but only short term. Most times all it does is cause us to feel bad which saps the energy you might have used to make changes. It can be a vicious cycle. It works exactly counter to what you wanted to do.

“Acceptance allows change. The 'acceptance mode' includes everything, even my judgments. It allows me to be okay now, even before I reach my goals.”

“When you begin to accept yourself the way you are right now, you begin a new life with new possibilities that did not exist before because you were so caught up in the struggle against reality that that was all you could do.”

Traveling Free, Mandy Evans

 

So if it doesn’t work, why do we keep doing it? Because we hope it will work. And if you don’t know any other way to change, what options do you have? We’ve been trained to believe that in order to change, we need to first feel bad about it. That if we’re accepting and loving of that particular quality, that we won’t do anything to change the situation, which is not true! You don’t have to be unhappy with yourself to know and actively change those things you’d like to change about yourself. Acceptance is actually the very first step in the process of change.

Think of acceptance of yourself like being okay with where you live now. You may want a bigger house one day. You may dream about that new home. But there ARE advantages to living in a smaller home if you only took the time to think about it. It is possible to be happy with the home you're in now, while still dreaming and working to make your new home a reality.

Process Of Acceptance
Acceptance exists at the core of your being. It is your default status. In order to reach this base level of acceptance, you need only remove the items laying on top. To do this, you must first identify all the things you do not accept about yourself. Then, one by one, eliminate them by examining and questioning your beliefs around that issue.

• Know yourself and your beliefs

• Take a good hard look at your honesty level

• Know you are doing the best you can

• Relax your value judgments

• Examine guilt

• Understand your motivations

• Ask yourself questions about what you don't accept

“Society has some rather bizarre notions about self acceptance. Its uncomfortable with it.”
 

Like happiness, society has some rather bizarre notions about self acceptance. On the one hand we have psychologists telling us it's good to improve our self-esteem while at the same time, society says we shouldn't have too much acceptance and appreciation for ourselves. What a tight rope to walk.

We are encouraged to be humble and show humility. Do you know the definition of humility?

humility (hju:míliti:) n. the quality of being without pride || voluntary self-abasement.

pride (praid) 1. proper self-respect || a source of great satisfaction for which one feels some responsibility || a sense of satisfaction with one's achievements.

abase (ebéis) v.t. to degrade, to humiliate, lowered

Alright, I ask you, WHY would anyone value humility? Why would it be good to degrade and humiliate yourself as well as lack self-respect and feel no sense of satisfaction or responsibility for your achievements? How could this b e beneficial for anyone? What is it about someone feeling "too good" about themselves that bothers us so? Yet our culture promotes humility as a desired virtue. It doesn't make sense.
 

“...the culture we have does not help people feel good about themselves. We're teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own.”
Mitch Albom, "Tuesdays With Morrie"
 

Myths About Egocentricity
Unfortunately, self acceptance (self-love) has gotten a bad rap over the course of history. Our society has labeled people who openly admit they love themselves as egomaniacs, narcissists, selfish, self-centered, and vain. No wonder we fear the very thought of self-love much less an outward expression of it with such incriminations. But lets look at that label and see if it’s really accurate.

Do those we label as egomaniacs really love themselves? It’s been my experience that those that are loud, overbearing, and go out of their way to show how important they are, are actually covering up a great deal of self-doubt, self-loathing, and fear. The greater the lack of self-esteem, the greater the show has to be to convince others as well as themselves of their own value and significance.

I also notice those who truly appreciate themselves feel no great need to make others know how significant they are. They’re neither self degrading or depreciating, nor self promoting or excessively communicating their inherent worth.

When you feel a sense of inner acceptance and appreciation, there is no need for approval from others. When the question, “Am I a worthy/valuable person?” has been answered by your own voice with a resounding “Yes”, one doesn’t continue to ask that question of others.
 

A judgment is labeling some thing, person, or event as good or bad, based on your belief system. Lets take a look at the concepts of good and bad.

Does anything carry with it a value of good or bad, independent of human evaluation? Are good and bad inherent qualities or human assessments? Is any event, person, thing, circumstance inherently (exists as a permanent condition) good or bad? Or are they labels we use to define what we want and don’t want?


How does Webster define "good?"

good (gud) adj. serving it’s purpose well || having desired qualities || virtuous, kind, well-behaved, agreeable, pleasant, beneficial, worthwhile, profitable, efficient, competent, capable, safe, and valid.

The key phrase in that definition is "having desired qualities." We define good as being something we want. And look at the words used to define good. Are they not what we desire? For example, we want our children to be well behaved .We want our lives to be easy, to be around people who are pleasant and kind. We want what we do to be worthwhile, efficient, and hopefully, profitable. We want to feel safe, etc.

What about "bad?"

bad (bæd) wicked, evil || defective, inadequate || not prosperous || unwelcome || distressing, disagreeable, upset, harmful, and unskilled.

Again, look at the words. Aren’t they simply defining what we don’t want as "bad"? We don’t want items that are defective. We don’t want a corrupt government. We don’t want to be “poor”. ....on and on...you get the idea. Good = Want. Bad = Don't Want

“What disturbs people's minds is not events, but their judgments on events.”
Epictetus, 100 A.D
 

If good and bad were inherent qualities (true regardless of our assessments), then they would remain the same throughout time. History has shown this to not be true. Through out lineage, what we’ve called good and bad has changed.

So if "good and bad" are assessments, then you are free to re-evaluate those assessments. When you look at situations (and yourself) in terms of desires, and not as value judgments, you remove the negative connotations associated with "good and bad". The examination of the situation becomes less volatile and hostile. You can simply make an observation, notice what you want or don't want, and respond according to those desires.

Observation And Value Judgments
Some people say we need judgments to be able to live in this world. “How could I make decisions if I didn’t judge? Isn't that how we make decisions?” Let’s make a distinction between a value judgment and an observation.

In an observation we see, hear, feel what is happening around us. We then state what we see. When we’re judging something, we go one step further in the process of observation and add in a subjective evaluation. We label the event as either good, or bad. THAT, is the value judgment. You're not removing the decision making process, you're simply replacing "good and bad" with "I want, I don't want."

How does this apply to accepting yourself? Well, you do the same thing to yourself. You first make an observation about yourself, ("I am fat") then decide if it’s a good or bad thing to be ("It's bad to be fat"). When we judge something about ourselves as “bad”, it becomes impossible for you to accept (be okay with) that part of yourself. BUT, it is possible to accept (be okay with) your weight and still know you WANT to be thinner. Make sense?

“Judgment stands as an obstacle to self-love. When you form judgments about another person, for instance, “this person looks like a lazy person, or a failure, or has terrible clothes,” you create a message to your subconscious that the world is a place where you had better act in certain ways if you want to be accepted...that you are only going to accept yourself under certain conditions. This leads to an inner dialogue of self-criticism.”
Orin

What if you were to drop your value judgments and simply saw “what is” then identified what you wanted and why? It could totally transform your experience. What are the ramifications of doing so? Perhaps you would find a well of love for yourself and others that you never knew existed. Perhaps you'd notice the less you judge yourself, the less you'll judge others. And maybe, just maybe, the experience of acceptance would give you the solid foundation to move forward in creating yourself and your life the you've always dreamed.