The young businessman
A young
businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office
and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come
into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman
picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung
up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Mistakes on a resume
These are from actual resumes:
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know
of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can
act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment,
I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially
incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured
so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of
financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typing Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
operation."
Engineers
and Managers (PG)
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces
his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the
balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet
above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to
anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me
to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met,
but now it's my fault."
Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back. -
Garbage Truck
***
Whenever you are
asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, "Certainly, I can!" Then get busy
and find out how to do it. - Theodore Roosevelt
***
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
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