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Common understanding decrees that hearing and listening are two
different activities and abilities. Hearing requires functioning ears.
Listening, on the other hand, requires comprehension, minimal distraction
and a release from your opinions while the other person(s) is speaking.
And then there’s deep listening.
Deep listening can take many forms. When speaking with someone who is
listening deeply, you may feel as if you are the only person in the world.
The listener gives you the impression that she
 is completely rapt by your
words and thoughts. The experience of deep listening seems kind,
understanding and meaningful. Deep listening engenders a powerful
interaction, a stronger relationship and mutual understanding that helps
decrease friction and conflict.
What makes deep
listening different?
Like most methods of human interaction, to listen deeply requires
ongoing training — for the tactical skills that help you listen deeply and
the personal mastery needed to know your true intentions. And while it can
seem like hard work, the rewards can be great.
Unfortunately, whether consciously or not, some individuals learn the
"easy stuff" and forego the actual "behind the words" work required of
actual listening. The result of these approaches leads to an overuse of
"listening phrases" that are divorced from the intention and action
required of true listening. Here’s an example that you’ve probably
experienced: (Please note: While the following example uses the female
pronoun, we recognize and acknowledge that both men and women have growth
edges and talents in listening.)
A conversation participant uses the phrase, "So, what I hear you saying
is…" to begin most of her sentences. She says it quickly, repeats your
comment, and then launches into her opinion. There’s neither a bridge
between your comment and hers, nor any pause, acknowledgement or eye
contact. The result? No one feels she's hearing anything but the clock
ticking while she waits to speak again.
Sure, the person in this example is saying the words that deep
listeners might use. And yet, while this person seems to be making an
attempt to listen more effectively, using rote technical phrases can cause
more damage than not using them at all. How would you feel if you were on
the receiving end of the example above? Do you think that the speaker in
this example demonstrates interest in the other person’s perspective, or
is truly listening to what others were saying or feeling?
You know deep listening when you see it in action. The listener,
through her actions, makes clear that she's asking about and listening to
the perspectives of others. She doesn't spend 100-percent of the meeting
talking; she might ask as many questions as she makes statements; she may
or may not take notes while others speak; she notices that some people
'say' things through their body language without verbally saying anything
at all; and she can summarize the conversation afterwards, or if another
person loses track of his thought. Deep listening can be as fun to watch
as it is to experience personally, and is a very significant skill in
which to build competence. Why?
The benefits of deep
listening
The results of deep listening can manifest in tangible ways, such as an
improved bottom line due to clear communication, and in abstract ways,
such as a more fulfilling work experience and higher degrees of
understanding. Through deep listening you gain:
• Greater understanding of
another
person’s
perspective, broadening your
own perspective;
• Stronger relationships with
others, including
business
partners, ensuring ongoing
collaboration, for example;
• Ability to make a positive
impression and a
meaningful
difference in someone’s day;
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• Congruency with your intentions,
increasing your
authenticity in a
respectful, effective manner;
• Enhanced influence and personal
mastery as perceived by
yourself and
others; and
• Highly
effective interactions.
What's more, the deep listener picks up clues and makes observations
that allow her to contribute truly pertinent ideas or create more
effective strategies, because she notices things that others miss.
The drawbacks of
saying, but not doing
Like many shortcuts, looking for an easy way to the finish line of deep
listening will get you lost. (In fact, there is no finish line. Deep
listening is an ongoing life lesson.) When it comes to deep listening, if
you say the right words, but don’t back up those words with action, you
could end up with these results:
• Lower credibility with
colleagues;
• Eroded levels of
trust;
• Becoming the butt of jokes
(mocking your inappropriate
use of these phrases, for
example);
• Less of a leadership image;
and
• Fewer opportunities to learn
from
others.
Tips to begin
listening more deeply:
Focus on the conversation — Mentally,
don’t allow extraneous chatter or activity distract you from the
conversation. Physically, make regular eye contact. Likewise, keep your
mind free of other issues, your to-do list, etc. If you’re going to spend
the time and energy having a conversation, make it worthwhile for
everyone. And, for Heaven's sake, don't take telephone calls while you're
having a conversation with someone, unless you've noted in advance that
you're expecting a call you must take.
Respond and acknowledge through body language
— When you’re listening, you’re using your ears, not your
mouth. You also listen with your body language, such as leaning in toward
the speaker and nodding your head allow you to "speak" and listen at the
same time. Many people do this naturally when they're truly engaged in
what another person is saying. Similarly, when we're not paying attention,
our body language says as much. Body cues are a clear way for someone to
read your interest in what he or she is saying as well as your
understanding of what’s being said.
Know your intentions —Be explicit about
why you are in conversation. Deep listening predominantly occurs when you
are genuinely open to and interested in learning another person’s
perspective. If your intention does not fall into this realm, you are not
listening deeply.
Ask questions — The simple act of
asking, rather than stating, places you in an other-focused mindset.
Asking questions is itself a form of listening, allows us to learn more
about the person or subject, and alerts our brains that more information
will arrive — keeping us open to receive new ideas and perspectives.
Un-clutter your mind — Today, the most
overused excuse for poor behavior is "I'm too busy." That may be
conveniently easy to say, but the truth is that each of us has the choice
over what we do and say every day. If our schedules and minds are
cluttered, it's a dilemma of our own
 making. Fortunately, just as we have
the power to put ourselves in such a situation, we have the power to de-stress and de-clutter. There are many resources available to help us take
responsibility for our choices and, in doing so, forego those things that
are of no real importance in favor of the things that are truly priceless
to us. The result? A much less cluttered mind, and a much more satisfying
day.
Convinced it’s a good idea to ensure you’re backing your words with
genuine intention and action? Check out the links below to learn more
about this powerful — and empowering — skill. **
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